First, Google what the flying frak have you done with the interface? Seriously, Blogger wasn't broken so what did you hope to accomplish? I swear if Chasing Inspiration wasn't already taken over at Wordpress I would defect immediately. What a pain.
Mountain Man and I were recently discussing a conference I attended a couple of months ago and I shared with him a revelation I had about my faith and some insights the speaker shared around growth and joy and God. I don't know what I was expecting from MM. Perhaps I was hoping he would grasp the concepts I was starting to embrace. Or maybe I was hoping he would smile and tell me what a wonderful experience this must have been for me.
Neither happened. Instead he said he was glad I had a good time and started in on some task or another. I was deflated.
I'm often deflated when it comes to Mountain Man and my hopes or expectations that he will be just as excited as I am about something. Or want to listen to me expound on something I find utterly fascinating. The simple truth is - he's just not that into the things that make my belly flip and my soul sing.
I love Mountain Man. He's an amazing man with a wonderful heart. When we were first dating he would hang on my every word, just as I would hang on his. Somewhere in the last 20 years we've stopped hanging on each other's words. Somewhere along the way we stopped trying to see and explore the hidden depths within each other.
My experience made me wonder, do I smile and nod and send MM on his way when he tries to share with me something new and exciting in his life? While I hope not, I'm sure I do. We're busy people with task lists ten miles long. Most of our days are spent away from each other, ensconced in our places of work. When we get home, we're attacking those task lists or tired or both.
I realized that MM just wasn't that into what was important to me in that moment. And maybe I wasn't that into what was important to him. It happened slowly, this relationship apathy. So slowly, we both saw the changes as part of our normal.
One of the things this spiritual leader and mentor said that struck me was that what if all that was wrong with the world wasn't all that was bad in our eyes. What if it was a lack of kindness and soul connection. What if that is part of what is going on in my marriage? A lack of kindness and soul connection. What if I'm part of the problem? If I don't want this new normal, I need to do something to change it. I need to stop and listen with joy and anticipation. No, I choose to stop and listen with joy and anticipation. I choose to connect with MM, to learn anew what inspires him, what worries him. Free of assumptions. Without judgement.
It's not going to be easy, shifting gears away from the task lists and the picture I have in my head of who my husband is. But I think it will be worth it. He may not be that into some of these things that make my heart flutter and my soul sing, but I'm going to be that into him. Because I love him.