In This Moment

I belong to an online writers group where we share motivation and encouragement. One of the exercises we have periodically is to write about who we are and where we are at emotionally, intellecutally, physically, spiritually in this moment. I wrote today and I had to post it here. It's about fear. It doesn't have epiphanies or lofty answers or answers at all really. It's just me, in this moment. Honest and vulnerable. The type of thoughts I would normally keep in a journal tucked out of sight. But part of being authentic is being honest and vulnerable. I ask my coaching clients to become this way with me. The least I can do is rip open the vein and bleed a little myself. I encourage you to do the same. It's not comfortable. And it can sometimes be messy. But it's real and true. And I want that for all of you - the ability to be real and true.

In This Moment....

In this moment I am surrounded by my demons. A gut-wrenching, stomach-twisting, brain-paralysing fear that I will never write. That I will never finish. That I will never accomplish my dream. That my passion is misplaced. That it's all an illusion created by a dissatisfied soul. That I am lazy. That I am rebelling against the better angels of my nature. That 9-to-5 is what I am born to do. All I am born to do. Nothing more. Nothing less.

In this moment I stare at the sunflowers I have positioned to the right of my computer at work. In this shades-of-grey cubicle, they offer sunshine and whisper to me incoherent words of hope. I stare at them and I am grounded, if only for a little while. Until the demons start to seduce me again.

In this moment I crave silence in my soul. So I can hear my thoughts. So I can find my voice again and speak. So I can have peace. So I can know that peace does exist and isn't a wistful wish tossed up to a falling star.

In this moment I hear the clack of keyboards, of good, dutiful worker drones pushing through their call lists, connecting with applicants who desire higher education. I hear muted conversations and nasal cackles. I feel alone in the middle of business and not a little lost. I want to jump up from my cubicle and yell and convince someone that there's more than these glass walls and shades-of-grey cubes and pointless conversations trying to sell the idea of knowledge. I want to toss my project lists to the four winds and dance on my manager's grave. I want to shuck this life of other's expectations and conformity and politics and perceptions.

At the same time, i feel naive in this want because no matter where I go or what I do, the world is made up of shades of grey and politics and perceptions. Visionaries are lost by those who are afraid of different. 9-to-5 means shackles but it also means regular pay. Security in exchange for freedom. I'm torn. I'm tired. I'm afraid.

My Life In Music

I got this from a friend over on Live Journal. I've done it before but it's fun and, well, I haven't posted in a while...again. Sigh.

I put this on my LJ and then I did it over again for this blog. The results were quite interesting. Not exactly the music I would have picked and I did skip the classical music because I don't have it loaded onto iTunes in a manner that let's me see the composer. So, now that I've done this, it's your turn!

IF YOUR LIFE WAS A MOVIE, WHAT WOULD THE SOUNDTRACK BE?

So, here's how it works:
1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question, type the song that's playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. Don't lie and try to pretend your cool...

Opening Credits: The Big Money - Rush

Waking Up: Cherry Red Wine - Johnny Lang

First Day At School: Sure Enough - Amy Grant

Falling In Love: Wild Child - Enya

Fight Song: California Justice - Five for Fighting

Breaking Up: Running On Faith - Eric Clapton

Prom: Animate - Rush

Life: The Old Apartment - Barenaked Ladies

Work: Bring on the Day - Charlotte Martin (quite apt, actually)

Mental Breakdown: Rainbow's Cadillac - Bruce Hornsby

Driving: 5:15 - The Who

Flashback: I'm No Angel - Dido

Getting Back Together: Love Can Move Mountains - Celine Dion

Wedding: Lemon (Jeep Mix) - U2

Birth of Child: Bright Lights - Matchbox 20

Final Battle: Hurt Before - The Corrs

Death Scene: The Dreaming Tree - Dave Matthews Band

Funeral Song: One Tree Hill - U2

End Credits: Carrion - Fiona Apple

Yikes! It's been a while

I'm a very bad blogger! It's been two weeks since I've posted. No wonder no one reads this thing, lol. What can I say, life gets busy. Sigh. Not a real excuse, but true nonetheless.

8 random things...

I found this over at Marjorie M. Liu's blog! Good times.

1. I'm double jointed in my thumbs. I can bend them behind my hands. Yes, it's gross to see but a neat trick to entertain and gross out the kiddies.
2. I love sushi and sashimi. Love it! Would it eat it every day if I could afford to and had a decent place here.
3. I had two short stories published in regional magazines in Canada when I was in high school. They were bad. Very bad.
4. Gollom was my favorite character in Lord of the Rings. He made me cry.
5. When I was young and visiting my grandparents' farm, I used to play with garter snakes
6. I have fibromyalgia. It sucks.
7. I have yet to find a John Irving book I've really enjoyed reading.
8. Sunflowers, pansies, Calla lilies and orchids are my favorite flowers. Tho I also enjoy Peruvian Lilies as well. If my husband wants to charm me, a bouquet of wild flowers will make me smile.

I'm not tagging anyone else, but if you want to post eight random things about yourself and link back here, go for it.

News & Updates

The RWA National conference is quickly approaching. I have my ticket, I'm registered. Now I just need to make sure I've saved enough for the room, food and a little fun. I was hoping to have my book finished enough to go after an editor or agent appointment but the book is being very difficult and I'm still in first draft land. I may still try to snag an appointment, but if not, there are a lot of workshops that look very good. I think the timing for me to attend this year is perfect!

We are embarking on the next phase of renovations. Two years ago we added a half story to the house. Over last year we re-did the heating/air conditioning duct work in most of the house, installed a new furnace and air conditioner, insulated, wired for lights and outlets, and put up wall board (dry wall, gyp-rock) in the new loft, roughed in stairs to the basement and up to the new loft, and did some work outside with the soffits and such. This year we are gutting the middle of the house. The two bedrooms will have some minor work done, but the pantry, bathroom, third bedroom/office will be gutted and reconfigured. This week I had to pack up my home office. We're moving all the things we don't need for the next year to the basement and setting up the office temporarily in the living room. I'll post a picture when we're done moving the office. Last night we set up some temporary shelves on the wall above where the computer desk is going. This way my writing books and coaching books will be close at hand.

I spent last week going through files, and piles of paper and computer programs and crap. I tossed a lot. I kept a lot. It's a draw as to which pile won. The hubby was hoping the toss pile would be larger. I think was being a little contrary and keeping more than I really needed to.

I'm also purging my books. I have between 20-30 bankers boxes of books - text books from college, self-help books, religious books, cook books, sewing project books, regional interest books, biographies, literary fiction, romance, mystery, thrillers, movie tie-ins, research books, more romance, paranormal & fantasy, books on counseling theories, life coaching books, books on organization/time management, women's fiction, inspirational fiction, historical fiction, more romance... the list goes on.

I've read most of these books, but I have about 100 or so in my house that I haven't. We're going to move the books to the bedroom - still in their boxes - but I decided that I really should look through the boxes since most of them haven't been opened since we moved 5 years ago. Now I'm inventorying the books, numbering the boxes and discovering that there are a lot of books I have no intention of ever reading. So, these books are going to be donated somewhere. The hubby is happy about this. He doesn't understand my need to surround myself with books. Which is fine. As long as I store them neatly and I don't spend my entire paycheck on them, he and I can live in a sort of harmony. *grin*

It's actually freeing to be letting go of things. It makes room for new experiences. It takes away the clutter. It feels like I'm starting fresh. I know that eventually those empty boxes will be filled again with books and that at some time down the road I'll be purging books again, but today when I look at those boxes I see room in my life for new stories and new information. And I like that feeling.

Why the Fox Network Sucks

Once in a while a gifted storyteller is given the opportunity to produce his concepts on TV. Tim Minear is one of those storytellers. He had a concept for Drive and he pitched and pitched and finally Fox decided to take a chance. Only Fox didn't do the show justice and after only 4 episodes, Drive is now being pulled, with the last 2 episodes that have been filmed airing this summer some time. This is not new for the innovative Minear. Fox has not been a good dance partner for him. Stupid Fox!

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is the second time Fox has done this to me. And not surprisingly, both shows have Nathan Fillion and Tim Minear in common. Damn! The husband and I love this show so far. Apparently we and a few critics are the only ones.

Drive Yoinked from Fox Schedule (Updated)

I heart this show! I also heart Nathan Fillion, but he's not the central character so it's not just for him that I tune in. I love ensemble shows. I love shows that slowly reveal who the characters are and leave you wanting more. I don't mind far fetched ideas and things that step out of reality. Prison Break and Lost, anyone? What I don't like is Fox who continues to yank my favorite innovative shows. Give it a chance, people! GAH!

In my opinion, Fox is losing out. Seriously losing out. Just like they did by treating Firefly with the lack of care they did and yanking it within 3 months. There is now a cult-like following for Firefly (yes, I'm part of that cult. What can I say. Space Cowboy Dramedies are my thing. And who can not like Nathan "Mal" Fillion? I mean, really people!)

So, Nathan and Tim, if you're googling your names and come across my blog, know that you have one fan of Drive out there. I'll miss you and I hope that somewhere out there we find out if Alex Tully saves his wife and if Wendy Patrakis is able to not only finish the race but ditch her abusive mo-fo of a husband and save her baby. And if Rob and Ellie will survive their marriage after the deceit and if Rob will actually be court marshaled for deserting. I really, really want to know!

And if, by chance, you are able to take this show and move it to another network who will treat you like the genius you are, please let it not be a cable network or at least have the shows online. Some of us don't do cable. But as long as the episodes hit DVD with commentaries, I'll forgive you almost anything, Tim. Best of luck in the future! Oh, and stay away from Fox. They'll just continue to toy with your emotions. It's not healthy, Tim. Not healthy at all.

How Much of It Is Me?

I'm reading a book by John Eldredge of Ransomed Hearts Ministries titled Waking The Dead. For those of you reading my blog who aren't spiritual or religious, this book may not be of interest, though I challenge you to pick it up if for no other reason but to see how others look at our world. For those of you who do have a faith in God in some form or another, this book may challenge some things you were taught in Sunday School. In a good way.

Why bring up a religious/spiritual book on a blog about writing? Because as I'm reading through this book and having my beliefs and thoughts challenged, I find myself wondering how much of the story I'm working on will be changed or challenged because I as a person am changed or challenged. How much of my story is a reflection of me and how much is a "just the story?" In the past I would have said that the tenets of the story itself wouldn't change, but perhaps how the characters respond to their situations may sway somewhat.

However, as I approached my story this afternoon, I found myself looking at some of the threads I intended to weave into my story and struggled with them. So I did what I usually do when I hit a block, I called my husband into the room and attempted to look at things for an intellectual, logical standpoint. My husband is good at this. Must be that engineering mind of his.

We discussed and we debated and in the end I threw my hands in the air and said with disgust, "It's all John Eldredge's fault!" That earned a puzzled look and a sneer from the boy. I knew I had to explain. In reading Waking The Dead I've been examining some things about my beliefs. Not a bad thing for a person to do. I think we should always be examining ourselves and our beliefs. It's an act of growth. However, some of those beliefs are beliefs that have been seeping into my story. Now that I'm challenging them, I'm torn between keeping things the same and static or rewriting the story to change with me. The later would allow me to follow my happy path but perhaps not bring a true representation of myself to the story. The former would throw the entire journey of the characters off and the book would become a whole new story. One I'm not feeling compelled to tell.

So you see my dilemma. How much of this story is me? And how much is just the story? How much should a work of fiction mirror the beliefs and values of the author?

I don't have an answer. But I did pull a coaching technique out of my bag of tricks and instead of pushing too far into this mess I seem to be creating for myself, I'm going to do some character interviews to learn more about Mallory & Jason and the rest of the cast. I have a feeling they need to tell me something that will pull my struggle together with their story.

Why oh why does writing have to be so hard? Oh, but you know I love it! *grin*

Are Writers Born or Made?

Tess Gerritsen, one of my favorite medical suspence authors, tackles the age old question on whether writes are born or made. In her blog she states her belief that our ability to tell a story is formed by the age of 12. And that there are some people who have that natural timing and sense of the dramatic that lends itself to good storytelling. And other people who just don't. She also mentions that, in her opinion, many people who aren't able to put a compelling tale on paper are often the same people who don't read.

In a sense, Tess is saying that it's part nurture and part nature. And that people continue to develop their ability to spin a good tale because they continue to expose themselves to books and stories, both written and those told in the oral tradition. They were read to as children or listened to audio books or some of the master storytellers of the radio age. They were enveloped in a world of words.

In an interview, urban fantasy wonder, Jim Butcher stated that he didn't know the first thing about telling a story when he decided to write and become a published author. The first book of his famed Dresden Files series was written for a writing class he was taking. He worked hard at building his skills and at getting his work out there. I don't know if he would argue that he is not a natural born storyteller, but I have a feeling he is one who has always enjoyed stories in some form or another.

There are a lot of authors out there who work hard to tell a story. They pour over every word, every turn of phrase and several drafts, and months, later they have something they give to their publisher. There are other authors who seem to have their stories beamed to them from somewhere in outer space. They see the story and they write it down seemingly effortlessly. I try to not envy those writers. I do, but I try not to.

I think I fall somewhere in the middle. I have some scenes and some characters who seem to jump out of my head and onto the page and tell me what to write. Then I have other scenes or characters where I sweat to get even a sentence on the page. I have always told stories. I am often found with a book in my hand. But the act of crafting a full length novel is arduous and sometimes even tortuous. So, why do I do it? Because I have this burning need churning in my gut to tell these stories. I'm not longer satisfied to be the only person who knows these characters and their worlds exist. My fingers itch to connect with a keyboard and the pictures and voices in my mind aren't satisfied to exist only in my imagination.

Am I a product of nurture vs. nature? I would say both. I think I have a natural knack for telling stories. But I need to continue to learn about the art and craft of it, not to mention the entire business end of things. And I need to continue to write. Even if I have talent, I won't get published if I can't get the story on the page and tell it in a compelling and marketable way.

Music To Write By

Every time I start a new book I begin to pull together songs that fit the characters, the setting and the tone of the book. I didn't do this initially with Tho I Walk. And I have suffered.



I wasn't clicking with the story on an emotional level for a long time. And when I don't connect emotionally, I write in fits and starts. This makes for choppy writing and a really lame writing schedule. I almost threw the story out in order to start another one that's starting to whisper sweet nothings in my ear. Darn stories, they won't leave me alone for a minute! *grin*



This story has the potential to be a really good story if I keep with it, so I decided to spend some time with my draft, such as it is, and try to figure out what was holding me back. Other than my own fear that I'm really going to screw it up, that is.



As I got half way through my draft it dawned on me that I hadn't put together my soundtrack for this book. Not one song had made it's way into a playlist on my iPod for this book. Oh, at times I would hear a song and think about the characters. Once in the car with my husband I heard a song that summed up the themes of my book, but neither one of us had any idea who sang it so it's lost to me forever.



This week I started going through my iTunes to see what I had that resonated. I also started a section in my story notebook for potential songs or what types of emotions I'm looking for in songs. Here's my list so far:

• How Can We See That Far -- by Amy Grant
• Will You Be There (In the Morning) -- by Heart
• Woman in Chains -- by Tears for Fears
• My Sacrifice -- by Creed
• Eye To Eye -- by Amy Grant
• Easy Tonight -- by Five for Fighting
• Borrowed Heaven -- by The Corrs
• Come To Jesus -- by Mindy Smith
• Unwell -- by Matchbox 20
• Because of You -- by Kelly Clarkson
• September When it Comes -- by Roseanne Cash and Johnny Cash
• My Lover's Gone -- by Dido
• Most of the Three Musketeers Soundtrack (minus the theme song)
• A Little More -- by Jennifer Knapp

I'm still working on adding the right songs and some of these may disappear. But as I write I'm starting to feel the emotional impact of this story in my gut. Finally.


Do you make soundtracks for your life? What song or orchestral piece best describes this time in your life?