How I See Me

I heard a song on the radio today. I mostly listen to talk radio when I drive to and from work because if I don't I'm flipping channels and not paying attention to the road. And if you've seen me drive you know I need to pay attention to the road. This morning, because I hit the wrong button on the car radio, I ended up listening to a Bruno Mars song. A song I've heard before on Glee but haven't caught Bruno singing. First, Mr. Mars, you have a new fan. I will be rushing out to by your CD later today and I will be cursing the fact I didn't budget to go to your concert! I may have to see if I can get rush tickets because, boy, you're amazing!

Back to the story. As I was driving and listening to this song, it was almost as though I heard a voice whisper in my ear, "Pay attention to the lyrics. It's important." So I set my eyes on the road, turned up the volume and listened. And cried. Not wept, just teared up and had damp cheeks.

Songs don't usually hit me where I live. I can find lyrics that are meaningful but it's the instrumental pieces that move me with deep emotion. I felt polaxed by the simple, open lyrics of this song by a man young enough to be my...very young cousin. *grin*

I struggle with feeling beautiful. I struggle with feeling cherished. I'm married to a wonderful man who I know loves me. We've been married for so long I sometimes think we forget to tell or show each other every day just how much we love. How amazing the other person is. I also have a history of being that person who spent her life on the outside looking in. So I struggle sometimes feeling a lot less than perfect and definitely not beautiful. Not as I am in this moment, anyway.

Women often don't see themselves the way others see us. We see our percieved faults and forget the beauty - be it internal or external. We can allow our insecurities to shade our self-view. And we're masters at comparing ourselves to other women. And coming up short with what we see.

I know I'm a master at this game. I play it cunningly and very well. Where I should be my own best cheerleader, I'm my own worst critic. I can see the beauty in other people, and I love to share that beauty with them. I fail, however, to be in tune with what makes me unique and beautiful and amazing.

So when that voice whispering in my ear told me to listen, and I did, I found myself listening to the words I know my husband and friends have told me over and over in the past but didn't sink in because I had too much baggage, too many barriers. And I found myself crying.

If you haven't been living under a rock you know the song I heard this morning on the radio. You may think it's a fun pop song - and it is. I hope you stop and listen to it, really listen the next time you hear it. This song has a message all women who are loved need to hear. That we are wonderful and amazing just as we are. That others see us and see beauty and perfection. That those things we don't like about ourselves may just be some of our best assets. Especially when viewed through the eyes of someone who loves and cherishes us.

If you haven't heard the song, or paid attention to the lyrics, I suggest you do. If you're a man who loves a woman, keep telling her how amazing she is to you. I promise, some day she will start to see herself through your eyes. 

Just The Way You Are - By Bruno Mars

Verse 1
Oh, her eyes, her eyes make the stars look like they're not shining
Her hair, her hair, falls perfectly without her trying
She's so beautiful, and I tell her everyday
Yea, I know, I know, when I compliment her she won't believe me
And it's so, it's so sad to think that she don't see what I see
But every time she asks me, do I look okay, I say

Chorus
When I see your face, there is not a thing that I would change
Cause you're amazing, just the way you are
And when you smile, the whole world stops and stares for awhile
Cause girl you're amazing, just the way you are, hey

Verse 2
Her lips, her lips I could kiss them all day if she'd let me
Her laugh, her laugh she hates but I think it's so sexy
She's so beautiful, and I tell her everyday
Oh, you know, you know, you know I'd never ask you to change
If perfect's what you're searching for then just stay the same
So don't even bother asking if you look okay, you know I'll say

Chorus
When I see your face, there is not a thing that I would change
Cause you're amazing, just the way you are
And when you smile, the whole world stops and stares for awhile
Cause girl you're amazing, just the way you are

Breakdown
The way you are, the way you are
Girl you're amazing, just the way you are
When I see your face there's not a thing I would change
Cause you're amazing just the way you are
And when you smile, the whole world stops and stares for awhile
Cause girl you're amazing, just the way you are, yea

Soundtrack Friday

I have no story for this week's song. It's haunting. It tells a story in and of its self that needs no additional words from me. And I love Susan Tedeschi. Have since I first saw her at Saskatoon's Jazz Festival back in 1999. In fact, the husband and I try to see her in concert every chance we get. Susan solidified my husband's love affair with blues, for which I am eternally thankful. :)

Enjoy Susan's live rendition of Angel from Montgomery. And some day when you're reading something I've written, I hope the words on the page convey the same honest truth that Susan's music brings.

Today I'm Thankful For...

I started off today grumpy. Has nothing to do with turning 40 and everything to do with daylight savings time robbing me of a precious hour of sleep. I'm always grumpy a few days after we change to daylight savings.
Instead of being grumpy and bringing the people I share an office with down, I decided to intentionally find things today I'm thankful for. This ties back to my posts on gratitude here and here. While I haven't been posting daily the things I'm thankful for, I have been keeping a journal. I'm forced to be a little more creative with each day to find those things I'm thankful for and to be authentic with what I choose to highlight.

Today proved no different. I could write a list of the things I'm not thankful for without even thinking. This wasn't going to help my mood so I went to the office kitchen, made a cup of green tea and let myself sink into thought.

Here is what I came up with:

1. I'm thankful for the opportunity to learn and grow as a professional through projects as large and complex as the one I'm working on now. Without these opportunities I think I would sit back on my accomplishments and stagnate.
2. I'm thankful for people who have my back and are willing to let me know when I missed something or have made an error - before I go too far down a path that would lead to sticky results.
3. I'm thankful for authors who write about the redeeming power of love and show me through story that at the end of the day it is love that saves all.
4. I'm thankful my muse isn't fighting with me anymore and that I'm making progress on my stories even if my plotting is still my weakest link. I can fix plotting. I can't fix a blank page.
5. I'm thankful laughter is contagious.

I looked at this list through out the day as I was tempted to sink back into feeling grumpy and low and behold it is now 5pm and I'm ready to head home with a smile on my face and a lightness of being.

Hmm, maybe there's something to this gratitude stuff after all.

Contemplations on Goals and Birthdays

I turned 40 today. Don't worry, I'm not about to jump off the edge of reality and fall into the mire of midlife crisis. I'm actually looking forward to this milestone birthday. I hear from many friends that they really started to shine in life when they reached 40. I'm hoping this is true for me, as well.

While I'm excited about 40 I'm feeling reflective today. 40 is an exciting age to be. I'm excited for it. I welcome it with open arms and a huge smile.

I also approach this new decade looking back. I was thinking about this yesterday. I'm at midlife, unless I live to be 100. I haven't accomplished some of what I hoped to by this point in my life. Some of that is because goals and wants and needs changed over time. Some because I realized the goals I had set were not in any way realistic.

40 also means that there is less time to do some of the things I had wanted to do by now. Since I'm in that reflective mode and want to see opportunities rather than loss, below are my thoughts on a couple of the big items.

I am not published - by a formal publishing house or self published. I wanted to have several published novels under my belt by this time in my life. I don't. I have several unpublished novels under my belt so while I'm mildly disappointed I don't feel I've missed the mark with this goal. Until the last year or so it wasn't realistic to self-publish in any way that would allow the author to actually make money. As for a traditional publishing house, that is up to the whims of the powers that be, not up to me. I will continue to pursue traditional publishing but I think I will also find a critique partner this year or a mentor so I can grow as a writer. If I'm good enough I may pursue self-publication. This is not lost time. This is the right time and I firmly believe that.

I haven't traveled beyond North America. I want to travel to Tuscany, Venice, Ireland, Scotland, London, Bath, New Zealand, Thailand, Japan, and many additional places. I haven't. We bought a house that needed much fixing up and that is where our money and time has gone. I had hoped that by now we would have at least one trip under our belts but no. In the next 5 years my goal is to have at least 2 overseas excursions beneath my belt - with or without the husband.

I wanted to have a coaching business by now. I recognize that a couple of things have stood in my way. I'm not certified by any of the BIG certification programs and that makes me feel I should get certified before I build my business. It's more a CYA thing than a competency thing, but it does keep me from moving forward. Choices around where to spend money have continued to bump this down the list but the husband and I have an agreement that once the house is done (please let it be not too much longer) we will have the funds to pay for certification. Yay!

I also know nothing about running my own business and honestly am a little freaked out about not having a consistent paycheck. In the next couple of years along with a writing mentor I want to find someone who has been there and built their business to see if they would be willing to mentor me. Knowledge is power and my fear is based on not knowing. I may always have at least a part time job but it would be nice to remove the fear and barriers to see if I can really make a go of coaching.

Those are my big items and as I approach 40 I can see with clarity what I need to do to move forward with these dreams and take them to the next level. I don't think that has anything to do with turning 40. Or maybe it does. Maybe with age comes that crystal clarity and as I approach a milestone marker in my life I recognize that life isn't forever and if I want to take dreams into reality I need to make conscious and actionable goals. Or maybe it's just I needed to grow up more in order to really truly reach for these goals.

Either way, I'm now 40. I'm excited and while a lot of life has been lived, there is so much more life waiting for me. I'm looking forward to seeing what doors open.

Soundtrack Friday

 I've been listening to a lot of interesting music lately. Mostly because the characters in my head keep telling me they listen to this music or because it fits with story flow and emotion.

As I'm writing Mallory's story I'm also working on what I thought was going to be a nice easy contemp romance. HA! It seems the characters in my head don't like easy. And since plotting doesn't work for me at this time I go with with they tell me. Sorry all you plotters out there. I've tried everything and all I end up doing is screwing up the story. This is why it takes me so. freaking. long. to. write. If you have a way to plot that works and is doable for a dyed-in-the-wool pantser, please share!

Lana, who is the heroine of my nice and easy contemp that isn't, puts on music while she works on renovation projects in her house. She listens to Matchbox 20, Death Cab for Cutie, Florence and the Machine, Bruno Mars, and when things are really intense or screwed up she listens to heavier music. Dark music. Music I don't own and while I hear the driving beat in my head I couldn't tell you who performs any of it. If you know of any really dark heavy music that isn't your traditional hair band or 80's metal group, please let me know. I need to down load something to the iPod to appease her.

The more I get to know Lana the more I know she's been kicked around in life but has come up optimistic. Her favorite movie is the motion picture Ever After. Which is kind of fun because it's also one of my favorite movies. In this movie we have a Cinderella story where Cinderalla needs to know she is loved but doesn't need someone to save her. In fact, she does a lot of the saving herself. I love stories like that. Apparently, so does Lana.

In honor of Lana, and the fact I'm writing again, on this week's Soundtrack Friday I bring you Texas and their song from Ever After - Put Your Arms Around Me. Enjoy!


Texas Put Your Arms Around Me
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The Mire of Uncertainty

I'm starting to get back in the swing of things after my blogging hiatus. I've been thinking a lot about my friends who work for the company that will not be named and are facing lay-offs. It's hard to move forward when you don't know what the future holds. None of really do know the future but when times appear stable and secure we feel we have control over what will occur tomorrow, next week, even next year. When life tosses in chaos and ambiguity, we can be thrown off our game. That has happened to me more times than I care to count. And I have panicked. I'm learning to step back and not give head to my emotions.

My provocative thought for today has to do with living in the mire of the unknown.

Og Mandino, an American essayist, stated:

 If I feel depressed I will sing. If I feel sad I will laugh. If I feel ill I will double my labor. If I fear I will plunge ahead. If I feel inferior I will wear new garments. If I feel uncertain I will raise my voice. If I feel poverty I will think of wealth to come. If I feel incompetent I will thin of past success. If I feel insignificant I will remember my goals. Today I will be the master of my emotions.

 He also said:

Count your blessings. Once you realize how valuable you are and how much you have going for you, the smiles will return, the sun will break out, the music will play and you will finally be able to move forward the life that God intended for you with grace, strength, courage, and confidence. 

 I'm reminded by these quotes that while we don't have total control of the future with it's mire and muck, we do have control over our reactions and our thinking. We can think ourselves into panic and anxiety or we can master our emotions and move forward.

Which reality you live is up to you.

I'm not going to lie and say it is easy, but I believe God looks down on us with favor and that when we live within that favor we find peace and rest and can master our emotions. If you don't believe in God, I think you can still find that refuge from turmoil. It's in the choices you make and the realization that you are valuable and you have purpose and meaning.

Which reality will you choose?

I hope my friends who are feeling this very real uncertainty can find some peace this weekend. I hope they can reflect on their successes and know that regardless of whether they have a job at this company come next week or not there is something special waiting for them. I also hope they know they have support. When we live in uncertainty we often feel we are alone. We're not. This is the time to take stock of who is there to support us emotionally, socially, economically and even spiritually.

Who do we know who can help with job leads and establishing ourselves professionally? Who can commiserate with us in our time of loss and need? Who can kick us in the pants when we need to stop living in our emotion and start looking at action? Who can hold walk the road with us in understanding and compassion? Who can remind us of our successes and meaning and celebrate with us?

No, we're not alone. And we don't have to stay stuck in the mire.

Blessings in Disguise

 I worked for a great education company from 2002 through 2008 when I was laid off due to restructuring. I learned a lot while I worked there, made a lot of friends and grew as both a person and a professional. At the time I was laid off I took the change philosophically and knew there would be additional opportunities for me ahead. To be honest, I had been trying to move out of my role as project manager into a role that was more training and coaching oriented so the lay off meant the world was my playground.

I landed a new job about three months after the lay-off (and about 3 weeks after my last severance payment). The end of my tenure at this great company was truly a blessing. I know others were impacted differently and didn't see the blessing this end could be. As I talk to people who were laid off at the same time I was, they all seem to be in better places. Blessings.

I just learned today that this same company is reducing it's workforce by 8% and that this 8% will come from support staff. This means people I worked with are going to be impacted. I haven't heard yet if any of my colleagues are going to be saying good-bye to their jobs but I'm sure some of the people I know will be leaving this company and not by choice.

It's always hard to have a job taken away. The most difficult thing for me was knowing that it could take a long time to find new work. That lack of security touched me in a deep place. I am a woman who values security. The exercise in losing my job taught me that security doesn't come from a steady paycheck. It comes from doing work you are passionate about and surrounding yourself with people who love and support you. It comes from planning for emergencies when the times are good so you have a cushion when the times aren't quite what you were hoping for. It comes from faith. I have faith in my family and faith in God. Other people have faith in other things. Faith gives us hope.

I'm really glad I was laid off back in November of 2008. I found a lot of blessings through what could have been a devastating event.  Those same blessings may have come to pass if I hadn't been laid off, who knows. All I know is that today I have a stronger sense of who I am and what I want to do when I grow up. I found I had more support than I ever dreamed. I learned I was stronger than I thought I was. And I lived out the lessen that when one door closes another opens.

I pray for my former colleagues who are living in uncertainty and perhaps will lose their jobs due to this work force reduction (what a civil way to describe a lay-off).  I hope the world offers them blessings they would not otherwise have without this life event. If I've learned only one thing in my life it is this - even in the darkest moments there is something good and right waiting just within grasp. All I have to do is reach out and grab it.

My gratitudes for today:

1. I'm thankful for the people in my life who lift me up when I can't raise my own head far enough out of the mire to see the opportunities for myself.
2. I'm thankful my husband and I took Financial Peace University before I was laid off because we had the forethought to build an emergency fund - something we continue to build to this day.
3. I'm thankful I was able to reconnect with my creative side and that the story I've been working on off and on for years has finally bloomed in my mind. Now, to make the time to write it down...
4. I'm thankful I have a great boss who takes the time to know me and my goals and is supportive and encouraging. 
5. I'm thankful that I'm starting to see the gift in all of life's moments. I'm not there yet, but I can start to see those gifts more clearly than I could in the past.