Why I Write

I gave up writing for a while.  Or I thought I did.

I've been writing fiction since elementary school. I didn't seriously consider writing for fun and profit until about 10 years ago, at which time I joined a writer's group and started hanging out with writerly types and stalking  spending time with published authors.  I produced about 5 manuscripts and countless partial novels that are stuffed inside a virtual drawer on my computer. I queried and sent out my stories and was both ignored and rejected. This didn't phase me - I've heard often enough that rejection is a part of the writing game and any author who has not been rejected by a publishing house hasn't been trying hard enough.

I gave up writing about three years ago. It was a conscious decision because my muse and my mind weren't speaking to each other any more and I couldn't write. I would stare at a blank page on the computer screen or in my notebook and not have anything to say.  So I set it aside and went on with life.

Except I didn't really stop writing. As soon as I put the need to be published aside and tucked my self imposed deadlines into the black abyss that is my home office, I started seeing stories again.

Not long stories. Short quips and scenes. I amused myself to no end with them, just living them out in my head. Until one day, the character who is the bane of my existence and the reason for my self imposed writing embargo whispered a scene in my ear that had me sitting up abruptly in bed (she never did have good timing) and craving a pen and paper so I could write this gem down.  For years I had been struggling with this character, trying to understand who she was and what story she was trying to tell. I have three drafts of the first third of her book on my computer and each one is different except for a few things - her name, the location of the story, and the fact that there is something "other" about her. Oh, and a priest who is in love with her and not in love with being a priest, but that's another story for another day.

I've been writing, albeit slowly, ever since. And through this process I've discovered why I write. I don't write because I want to make a career out of it (though that would be nice). I don't write because writing is soothing and relaxing (it isn't, at least not all the time). I don't write because I'm a good writer (I have a lot to learn...I'm an okay writer).

I write because there is a story burning deep inside me and it won't let go until it has been told. The way it wants to be told. I would love to get to the place where I write because it is fun and I get paid to live in my head and lie for a living. I would love to write because I'm disciplined and because storytelling has become effortless. I don't know if I'll ever reach those places. In the meantime, I write because if I don't I'll have Mallory harping on my shoulder for the rest of my life and trust me, no one wants that.

Soundtrack Friday

 I've been remiss with my blog again. Sorry! If I have any readers left I'll be amazed, lol! I have no excuse except it's spring and right now this spring has felt more like an extension of winter so my creative self took a cue from Punxsutawney Phil, looked outside, did not see it's shadow and went back into hibernation for a few more weeks.

Not quite true, but true enough. The weather has been very cool and grey for April and I need me some sunshine to start shake off the winter doldrums. Winter has been hanging on by her talons this year - it snowed just last week and it tried to snow this week. My poor creative self has been suffering, and when my creative self suffers, I get lazy.

So, in honor of the sun finally shining and my creative self deciding to get off her ass and grab herself some motivation, I give you Bruno Mars and his light and fun, if not self-absorbed, Lazy Song. If you're a fan of the official music video, you can find that here.

I'm not a huge fan of the video, so I did a websearch for a more acoustic version. *gasp* I did something that was actually not lazy! I guess that means spring truly is here. LOL!

So here's to lazy days, and to the shining sun and to a weekend where I will be so busy I will wish I could take a day where I'm not doing anything. Enjoy!

How I See Me

I heard a song on the radio today. I mostly listen to talk radio when I drive to and from work because if I don't I'm flipping channels and not paying attention to the road. And if you've seen me drive you know I need to pay attention to the road. This morning, because I hit the wrong button on the car radio, I ended up listening to a Bruno Mars song. A song I've heard before on Glee but haven't caught Bruno singing. First, Mr. Mars, you have a new fan. I will be rushing out to by your CD later today and I will be cursing the fact I didn't budget to go to your concert! I may have to see if I can get rush tickets because, boy, you're amazing!

Back to the story. As I was driving and listening to this song, it was almost as though I heard a voice whisper in my ear, "Pay attention to the lyrics. It's important." So I set my eyes on the road, turned up the volume and listened. And cried. Not wept, just teared up and had damp cheeks.

Songs don't usually hit me where I live. I can find lyrics that are meaningful but it's the instrumental pieces that move me with deep emotion. I felt polaxed by the simple, open lyrics of this song by a man young enough to be my...very young cousin. *grin*

I struggle with feeling beautiful. I struggle with feeling cherished. I'm married to a wonderful man who I know loves me. We've been married for so long I sometimes think we forget to tell or show each other every day just how much we love. How amazing the other person is. I also have a history of being that person who spent her life on the outside looking in. So I struggle sometimes feeling a lot less than perfect and definitely not beautiful. Not as I am in this moment, anyway.

Women often don't see themselves the way others see us. We see our percieved faults and forget the beauty - be it internal or external. We can allow our insecurities to shade our self-view. And we're masters at comparing ourselves to other women. And coming up short with what we see.

I know I'm a master at this game. I play it cunningly and very well. Where I should be my own best cheerleader, I'm my own worst critic. I can see the beauty in other people, and I love to share that beauty with them. I fail, however, to be in tune with what makes me unique and beautiful and amazing.

So when that voice whispering in my ear told me to listen, and I did, I found myself listening to the words I know my husband and friends have told me over and over in the past but didn't sink in because I had too much baggage, too many barriers. And I found myself crying.

If you haven't been living under a rock you know the song I heard this morning on the radio. You may think it's a fun pop song - and it is. I hope you stop and listen to it, really listen the next time you hear it. This song has a message all women who are loved need to hear. That we are wonderful and amazing just as we are. That others see us and see beauty and perfection. That those things we don't like about ourselves may just be some of our best assets. Especially when viewed through the eyes of someone who loves and cherishes us.

If you haven't heard the song, or paid attention to the lyrics, I suggest you do. If you're a man who loves a woman, keep telling her how amazing she is to you. I promise, some day she will start to see herself through your eyes. 

Just The Way You Are - By Bruno Mars

Verse 1
Oh, her eyes, her eyes make the stars look like they're not shining
Her hair, her hair, falls perfectly without her trying
She's so beautiful, and I tell her everyday
Yea, I know, I know, when I compliment her she won't believe me
And it's so, it's so sad to think that she don't see what I see
But every time she asks me, do I look okay, I say

Chorus
When I see your face, there is not a thing that I would change
Cause you're amazing, just the way you are
And when you smile, the whole world stops and stares for awhile
Cause girl you're amazing, just the way you are, hey

Verse 2
Her lips, her lips I could kiss them all day if she'd let me
Her laugh, her laugh she hates but I think it's so sexy
She's so beautiful, and I tell her everyday
Oh, you know, you know, you know I'd never ask you to change
If perfect's what you're searching for then just stay the same
So don't even bother asking if you look okay, you know I'll say

Chorus
When I see your face, there is not a thing that I would change
Cause you're amazing, just the way you are
And when you smile, the whole world stops and stares for awhile
Cause girl you're amazing, just the way you are

Breakdown
The way you are, the way you are
Girl you're amazing, just the way you are
When I see your face there's not a thing I would change
Cause you're amazing just the way you are
And when you smile, the whole world stops and stares for awhile
Cause girl you're amazing, just the way you are, yea

Soundtrack Friday

I have no story for this week's song. It's haunting. It tells a story in and of its self that needs no additional words from me. And I love Susan Tedeschi. Have since I first saw her at Saskatoon's Jazz Festival back in 1999. In fact, the husband and I try to see her in concert every chance we get. Susan solidified my husband's love affair with blues, for which I am eternally thankful. :)

Enjoy Susan's live rendition of Angel from Montgomery. And some day when you're reading something I've written, I hope the words on the page convey the same honest truth that Susan's music brings.

Today I'm Thankful For...

I started off today grumpy. Has nothing to do with turning 40 and everything to do with daylight savings time robbing me of a precious hour of sleep. I'm always grumpy a few days after we change to daylight savings.
Instead of being grumpy and bringing the people I share an office with down, I decided to intentionally find things today I'm thankful for. This ties back to my posts on gratitude here and here. While I haven't been posting daily the things I'm thankful for, I have been keeping a journal. I'm forced to be a little more creative with each day to find those things I'm thankful for and to be authentic with what I choose to highlight.

Today proved no different. I could write a list of the things I'm not thankful for without even thinking. This wasn't going to help my mood so I went to the office kitchen, made a cup of green tea and let myself sink into thought.

Here is what I came up with:

1. I'm thankful for the opportunity to learn and grow as a professional through projects as large and complex as the one I'm working on now. Without these opportunities I think I would sit back on my accomplishments and stagnate.
2. I'm thankful for people who have my back and are willing to let me know when I missed something or have made an error - before I go too far down a path that would lead to sticky results.
3. I'm thankful for authors who write about the redeeming power of love and show me through story that at the end of the day it is love that saves all.
4. I'm thankful my muse isn't fighting with me anymore and that I'm making progress on my stories even if my plotting is still my weakest link. I can fix plotting. I can't fix a blank page.
5. I'm thankful laughter is contagious.

I looked at this list through out the day as I was tempted to sink back into feeling grumpy and low and behold it is now 5pm and I'm ready to head home with a smile on my face and a lightness of being.

Hmm, maybe there's something to this gratitude stuff after all.

Contemplations on Goals and Birthdays

I turned 40 today. Don't worry, I'm not about to jump off the edge of reality and fall into the mire of midlife crisis. I'm actually looking forward to this milestone birthday. I hear from many friends that they really started to shine in life when they reached 40. I'm hoping this is true for me, as well.

While I'm excited about 40 I'm feeling reflective today. 40 is an exciting age to be. I'm excited for it. I welcome it with open arms and a huge smile.

I also approach this new decade looking back. I was thinking about this yesterday. I'm at midlife, unless I live to be 100. I haven't accomplished some of what I hoped to by this point in my life. Some of that is because goals and wants and needs changed over time. Some because I realized the goals I had set were not in any way realistic.

40 also means that there is less time to do some of the things I had wanted to do by now. Since I'm in that reflective mode and want to see opportunities rather than loss, below are my thoughts on a couple of the big items.

I am not published - by a formal publishing house or self published. I wanted to have several published novels under my belt by this time in my life. I don't. I have several unpublished novels under my belt so while I'm mildly disappointed I don't feel I've missed the mark with this goal. Until the last year or so it wasn't realistic to self-publish in any way that would allow the author to actually make money. As for a traditional publishing house, that is up to the whims of the powers that be, not up to me. I will continue to pursue traditional publishing but I think I will also find a critique partner this year or a mentor so I can grow as a writer. If I'm good enough I may pursue self-publication. This is not lost time. This is the right time and I firmly believe that.

I haven't traveled beyond North America. I want to travel to Tuscany, Venice, Ireland, Scotland, London, Bath, New Zealand, Thailand, Japan, and many additional places. I haven't. We bought a house that needed much fixing up and that is where our money and time has gone. I had hoped that by now we would have at least one trip under our belts but no. In the next 5 years my goal is to have at least 2 overseas excursions beneath my belt - with or without the husband.

I wanted to have a coaching business by now. I recognize that a couple of things have stood in my way. I'm not certified by any of the BIG certification programs and that makes me feel I should get certified before I build my business. It's more a CYA thing than a competency thing, but it does keep me from moving forward. Choices around where to spend money have continued to bump this down the list but the husband and I have an agreement that once the house is done (please let it be not too much longer) we will have the funds to pay for certification. Yay!

I also know nothing about running my own business and honestly am a little freaked out about not having a consistent paycheck. In the next couple of years along with a writing mentor I want to find someone who has been there and built their business to see if they would be willing to mentor me. Knowledge is power and my fear is based on not knowing. I may always have at least a part time job but it would be nice to remove the fear and barriers to see if I can really make a go of coaching.

Those are my big items and as I approach 40 I can see with clarity what I need to do to move forward with these dreams and take them to the next level. I don't think that has anything to do with turning 40. Or maybe it does. Maybe with age comes that crystal clarity and as I approach a milestone marker in my life I recognize that life isn't forever and if I want to take dreams into reality I need to make conscious and actionable goals. Or maybe it's just I needed to grow up more in order to really truly reach for these goals.

Either way, I'm now 40. I'm excited and while a lot of life has been lived, there is so much more life waiting for me. I'm looking forward to seeing what doors open.

Soundtrack Friday

 I've been listening to a lot of interesting music lately. Mostly because the characters in my head keep telling me they listen to this music or because it fits with story flow and emotion.

As I'm writing Mallory's story I'm also working on what I thought was going to be a nice easy contemp romance. HA! It seems the characters in my head don't like easy. And since plotting doesn't work for me at this time I go with with they tell me. Sorry all you plotters out there. I've tried everything and all I end up doing is screwing up the story. This is why it takes me so. freaking. long. to. write. If you have a way to plot that works and is doable for a dyed-in-the-wool pantser, please share!

Lana, who is the heroine of my nice and easy contemp that isn't, puts on music while she works on renovation projects in her house. She listens to Matchbox 20, Death Cab for Cutie, Florence and the Machine, Bruno Mars, and when things are really intense or screwed up she listens to heavier music. Dark music. Music I don't own and while I hear the driving beat in my head I couldn't tell you who performs any of it. If you know of any really dark heavy music that isn't your traditional hair band or 80's metal group, please let me know. I need to down load something to the iPod to appease her.

The more I get to know Lana the more I know she's been kicked around in life but has come up optimistic. Her favorite movie is the motion picture Ever After. Which is kind of fun because it's also one of my favorite movies. In this movie we have a Cinderella story where Cinderalla needs to know she is loved but doesn't need someone to save her. In fact, she does a lot of the saving herself. I love stories like that. Apparently, so does Lana.

In honor of Lana, and the fact I'm writing again, on this week's Soundtrack Friday I bring you Texas and their song from Ever After - Put Your Arms Around Me. Enjoy!


Texas Put Your Arms Around Me
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