You May Hate Me After This Post, And That's Okay

Content Warning: I'm about to get political. And emotional. And voice strong opinions. You've been warned.

I've been writing this post since January 22nd. I've debated posting it. I've tried to tone down my very strong opinions. In the end, I had to speak because to remain silent, well, it just isn't an option.

I try to not be political on FB. Everyone has the right to their opinions and beliefs. And that's fine when we can all respect each other and have empathy and compassion and an openness to understand. But I see so many people legitimately fearing for their safety and even their lives. That does not come from a society where there is respect and compassion and empathy.

I'm white. I'm a Christian. I have tremendous privilege because of these two things. I am female so I don't have the same privilege as white males. I have chronic illness. And I am fat so I also do not have the same privilege as white women who are healthy and don't carry a lot of extra weight, but I still have a hell of a lot of privilege I didn't earn.

Many of my friends do not have the same privilege. They are black or brown or LGBTQI+ or disabled or Muslim or Jewish or Pagan or atheists or agnostics. Or some combination of of these. They have been living marginalized lives, even if that marginalization is difficult to see. In a country where value is placed heavily on specific race, gender, sexual orientation, religion, and a very specific standard of health, how could anyone who does not fall into the "norm" not be marginalized?

We who are privileged often pat ourselves on the backs when something is done to make life better for those who are marginalized. And often we do so with arrogance. Even ignorance. This post isn't about privilege and what is broken in white Christian privilege. But this plays a part in what I'm about to voice next. Why? Because all we have done since the Civil Rights Movement in the 1960s is apply bandages to the ever increasing problems of racism, sexism, misogyny, homomisia, sectarianism, etc. These issues have not been resolved. If anything, this election and the machinations of the current White House and Congress have not only shown us the cracks in our society, it has blown them wide open for the entire world to see.

I did not vote for Trump. I'm not a citizen so I can't vote. But I would not have voted for Trump. My view is not just political or just about how government is run. It's because Trump is a man who is vile. Yes, I said it, vile. He does not love truth or honesty. How could I vote for someone who seemingly celebrates the exact opposite of the teachings of Jesus?

I heard the hate he was spouting during the campaign. I saw the rise of something I consider ugly at his rallies. I saw fear tip into hate and hate tip into something even more dangerous. But I hoped people would see the man and not the rhetoric and would not be complicit in putting such a person in the role of President.

Then I realized all my hopes were in vain. Because of white evangelicals. More specifically white women who identify as evangelicals (and don't get me started on American evangelicalism). Because it was more important to ensure an imaginary judge would be appointed to the supreme court in order to overturn the right to a safe and legal abortion. Because it was more important to bring a religious belief system even more deeply into government. Because apparently morality needs to be legislated based on "Christian" beliefs. Because racism is so deeply rooted it's a systemic issue. Because sexism is rampant in many white Christian circles. Rampant among white Christian women, not just men. Because pointing the finger at someone else as the cause of why I'm unhappy is the great American past time.

When my marginalized friends tell me they are more afraid now than before the election, I try to listen and understand. I haven't lived a marginalized life so I need to shut up and just listen to their fears, their stories, their anger. And draw upon empathy and learn to see the world through their eyes. We who are privileged need to do this. It's not enough to sit back and comment from our computers or couches or churches. We need to step out. And step up.

I saw this during the Women's March on January 21st. Women, and men, of all colors, ethnicities, sexual orientations joining together to protest against misogyny and hate. Not all men are bad. But this country is legislated and run primarily by men. White men. Women NEED to have a seat at the table when it comes to reproductive rights, to equal pay, to ending sexual harassment.

But more than that, we need to shut up so we can hear the stories of the marginalized. And we need to step aside so they can step in. We shouldn't be the white saviour who makes the world a better place for everyone. We aren't the answer. We are part of the damn problem. White women get in the way of black women, of brown women. White people get in the way of black people, of brown people. Able bodied people stomp over the rights of the disabled and chronically ill. Heterosexuals often belittle the plight of those who identify as LGBTQI+.

Why does my voice matter more than yours? It shouldn't. Just as my life experience shouldn't invalidate yours. My religious views should not run roughshod over your own. My privilege shouldn't take away from you.

It's going to take years to get this right. There is a lot wrong with this country. A lot of systemic issues that we need to take a look at. Apologize for. Change. Fears that are going to take decades of us trying to do things right, failing, and trying again before people can start to believe things are going to be different.

But we need to start. Congress and the White House, those people work for us. For we the people. We can't forget that. So continue to call, to march, to resist if you don't agree with what is taking place. That goes for local government as well.

And if you are sitting back and think the direction our politicians are taking us in is fine, that all these people who are pushing back are crazy, take a moment and listen before you pass judgment. Really listen. Set aside your ego, your beliefs, your own fears and listen. And don't let shame or guilt or anger keep you from listening deeply.

We've all screwed things up. Now we need to own it and work to make restitution and seek reconciliation. Isn't that what Christians are supposed to do?

Gratitudes:

1. Patricia Briggs, whose husband Mike passed away unexpectedly in January. She is touring for her new book despite this. You are brave and kind and loved, Patty! Admired even. I'm so sorry for your loss. Nothing can replace Mike. And nothing should.
2. Sunshine. 
3. Time to heal, as healing quite often takes time. 

Photo by Liz Lemon

The War of the Walnuts

 Gratitudes:

1. Summer is fading into autumn and the weather is starting to become bearable again. 
2. The black walnut trees in the yard have shed all their nuts. These are messy and attract squirrels, who make them even messier.
3. I'm not working which means I have the time to assist a dear friend who is recovering from surgery. I wouldn't have been able to be there for her if I was still working. 

We have two enormous black walnut trees in our smallish yard. They are fantastic for creating shade along the southwestern corner of the house and the deck, which makes being outside fabulous for someone like me who is sun sensitive. 

The downside is that black walnut trees, while pretty and excellent shade trees, are messy. They drop leaves and twigs all the time. And the walnuts. Did you know that a walnut is the seed of an ugly green fruit? I have the proof!

See that bucket? That is a gallon sized bucket filled to the two thirds mark with walnuts. From the beginning of August until mid-September we pick up at least this much every other day. Often we fill the bucket. What we don't pick up and throw away the squirrels eat. They peel off the green skin and the white fruit (fruit that turns black as soon as it makes contact with the air). They don't sweep up their leavings and neatly toss them in the trash. No, they leave these bits of walnut fruit and shells every where. In the grass. On the driveway. On the deck. In the rain gutters. In the pots I use for plants. Every. Freaking. Where! 

I used to just itch with the need to pick up every last bit of walnut. Do you know how difficult that is? Impossible. But I would try. I would rake on the days the husband didn't mow. I would even attempt to be proactive and pick the nuts right off the trees. It didn't matter how hard I tried, the nuts would continue to fall and the squirrels would continue to make a mess of things. Eventually, I stopped. I continue to pick up the nuts that have fallen, but I no longer attempt to pick up every single bit of walnut from the deck and yard. 

At first, this felt like giving up. I don't like to give up. I am a pit bull when it comes to something I am passionate about, or something I've started. I have to see it through. I have to give it my all. Anything less is admitting defeat. This attitude is what helped me be a functioning adult for over twenty years while battling fibromyalgia. It's also a contributing factor in why I am now unable to work because of the fibromyalgia. That tenacity, it's a double edged sword. 

Letting go of my desire to have a neat and tidy yard during walnut season wasn't giving up. It was adapting my expectations so I could pour my energies into something more worthwhile. So the yard was going to be Disneyland for squirrels for two months out of the year. It keeps the dog entertained. It's nature doing what nature does. And the walnuts aren't going completely to waste. 

The walnuts now represent the ability to adjust expectations. And to mindfully consider just where on the scale of importance something stands. Sometimes I get so worked up about something that is minor. Do I really need to expend all that time and energy on something that isn't truly worth my time? And won't really matter down the road? 

Walnut season is over. We can reclaim the deck and the yard. We can go outside without fear of nuts falling on our heads. Sure, it was inconvenient for a time and required we gather nuts we neither desire or use. But those two trees are still a gift and because we are a little less diligent in picking up the nuts, the wildlife benefits. Velcro Dog benefits. Sometimes looking at a problem as though it is a benefit is a good thing. 

In Which I am Annoyed

 Gratitudes:

1. Athletic wear that comes in plus sizes. It's hard to find and can be expensive, but that moment when we robust gals find something that fits, looks fabulous, and feels fabulous, there are no words.
2. Working WiFi. The last week has been an exercise in getting Comcast and Apple products to play nice together. And when the wifi was down I felt cut off from the world. Oh, internet access, I hope to never take you for granted again.
3. Post-It notes for no other reason than they make me so very happy. 

Can I bitch for a moment? Wait, it's my blog, I don't need to ask permission to bitch. So stop with the gratitudes if you want to read a happy post.

I have a couple of things I want to complain about. Both are first world problems so part of me feels like I shouldn't even want to complain. However, I have learned that if something is bothering me it is best to not let it fester.

First, it's cold out. Not just cold but freeze your ass of cold. I am not a fan. My body hurts. And that's with me sitting inside with a cup of tea and a dog at my feet. Covered in fleece. Me, not the dog. Mother Nature, I know the poor people in the Northeast are being bombarded with snow and could seriously use a break. I know it's far worse for them right now than it is for me. But could you please keep the Arctic wind chill up where it should be, in the Arctic? Thanks!

Second, Comcast. We only use this cable service for our internet. We don't have cable TV. We don't have a house phone so do not need Voice Over IP, aka VOIP. We have high speed internet. In this day and age anything less is just...wrong. Our provider is Comcast. In December I called because our internet was cutting out intermittently in the late evenings. I rely on our internet connection at night because I often have bouts of insomnia and I need something to do to entertain myself. Netflix can be a girl's best friend. And who says catching up on Facebook at 2am is a bad thing.

The customer service rep (CSR) in India asked all the questions that are asked. Did I check my cable connection? Yes. Did I unplug the modem, wait 20 seconds, and plug it back in? Yes, multiple times. If we have a router, did I cycle it? Yes, again. Well, ma'am, it looks like you have an outdated modem and we will have to send you a new one. Great, Mr. CSR. When I can I expect a service tech to come out? Service tech?  No, ma'am. We will send you a kit and you will install the new modem yourself. We've always had a tech come out. Often there is an issue found that is not the modem itself and I want to make sure everything is in working order. Well, ma'am, the techs are a third party service, not owned (yes, he said owned!) by Comcast. We cannot authorize a visit by a tech just to install a modem. Good day.

The new modem arrived a week later along with a letter indicating that I needed to return the old modem to a service center or we will be charged the cost of the new modem. WTF? Oh, and also, this new modem is super fancy, she said with sarcasm. Comcast's new Xfinity modems come complete with their own routers. Sucktastic routers. AND Comcast now wants each person to allow these WiFi routers to act as Comcast hotspots - no extra charge to you and will not infer with your personal WiFi network. Uh...not!

We had to go online while we were setting up the modem. Which is difficult when you don't have internet service! And have lame phones that don't have data plans. We were able to figure everything out, find the well hidden option to turn off the hotspot service, and hook the modem up with our Airport router. And the internet speed was worse than ever.

Then the Airport died. So off to ye olde Apple Store I went, purchased a new and improved Airport router, came home, plugged the new girl in, and...no wifi. Seriously? Teeth gnashing I called Comcast. Not once. Not twice. Five times. Over the course of a week. We were using the Xfinity built in router - which was crappy - so we could still go online with the tablets and my laptop, but not if we were upstairs, and only if we were wearing the color blue. On my fifth call I was transferred to an Xfinity modem/router specialist who reset the modem and firewalls to the factory specs and then turned off all the router capabilities so it wouldn't interfere with the Airport. Why it had to take this many calls for a solution that finally worked, I have no idea. Comcast, utilize your specialists more! And bring back tech service for replacing modems. I bet this wouldn't have occurred if we had a tech involved in the first place.

Phew, I feel better.