Ups and Downs and Loneliness

Gratitudes:

1. Good friends who always seem to recommend the right books at the right times.
2. Tea Runners subscription tea service because OMG THIS TEA IS AMAZING PEOPLE!
3. Ylang Ylang essential oil diffusing through my house.

I'm gonna be honest, I've had a lot of ups and downs lately. Some of it I blame on the weather and the stupid ass spring we've been having. March was warm like April. April was by turns hot and cool with rain. May, I don't even want to talk about it. 

While I can use weather as a gauge for how intense my pain and/or brain fog will be, weather isn't the only thing that can cause me to flare. Here is a short list of other things that contribute:

• Eating foods known to have inflammatory properties such as the nightshade fruit and veggies, dairy, gluten/wheat, sugar, artificial sweetener, etc. 
• Stress. Any type of stress. 
• Over exerting myself. 
• Sunshine. I'm basically allergic to sunshine thanks to some of the meds I'm on, so spending time in the sun wears me out and can make me feel sick.
• Poor quality sleep.

The worst thing about all of this? The fact that making plans to see people must be tentative or last minute. So I spend a lot of time in the house with Velcro Dog, practically counting the minutes until A gets home. It's lonely. I feel like I've lost people in my life because of this. Or, I feel as though I'm now THAT person who always cancels last minute and if I'm going to get together with someone it's going to be because I reach out first. 

It's exhausting being the person to reach out. You know this. I know you do. You have people in your lives who you wouldn't see unless you reach out time and time again. Sometimes you sit and wonder if it's worth continuing to reach out. And sometimes the answer is no, it's not worth it. 

I'm not judging anyone or looking for sympathy. We all have people in our lives who are THOSE people. Sometimes we are THOSE people. We all have to take care of ourselves, and sometimes that means letting some relationships fade. 

That said, if you know someone who has physical or mental health issues that make it difficult for that person to get out and be with people, maybe shoot them a text to see how they are doing. Send them an email. Reach out via Facebook. Reaching out doesn't need to infer getting together. It's asking how someone is doing and meaning that you truly want to know. And listening.  

I'm writing this to myself as much as to the world at large. I haven't been the best at reaching out much at all this year in general. Whether it's because I'm just tired of the whole dance or whether it's because it's been a crappy year so far and I'm not in the best headspace most of the time, I don't know. What I do know is that by not reaching out to people I genuinely care about I'm part of my own problem. 

Well, if you've made it this far, thanks for sticking with this post. It's not my most cohesive writing. And I'm seriously NOT looking for sympathy. I'm a big girl. I'll figure my life out. It's more a friendly reminder that sometimes there are real reasons for people to be less active, or to seem to fall off the face of the earth. And this doesn't mean they are upset with you or have become hermits. So if someone crosses your mind, reach out. Let them know you miss them, that you're thinking of them. And if you're feeling it, ask them if there is anything you can do to help. Of if they would like some company. 

This has been an incoherent rant by Naomi, sponsored by Insomnia. When you want to feel really bad about yourself, choose Insomnia. The better self-confidence inhibitor!

Photo by Danilo Virotta via Flickr (CC Atribution-Sharealike 2.0)

Feeling Disconnected

One of the most difficult things for me right now is this feeling of disconnection. 

In my post-work life, I spend a lot of time alone. I'm usually great with being alone. I read. I write. I walk the dog. I knit. I watch television or movies. I like me some alone time. The problem is that the majority of my time is alone time right now. 

Chronic health issues can make a person's world shrink. I don't know when I'll have the energy to go out and spend time with people. When I make plans, I'm not able to look into the future to see if I'll actually be able to follow through. It makes me hesitate to step outside myself. 

I'm not worried about people judging me for having to cancel at the last minute. All. The. Time. I do worry about inconveniencing people. In the past I would force my body into compliance and would do everything in my power to keep those plans. Today, it's easier to not make plans to begin with. 

By not making plans, I lose touch with people. And losing touch with people means there are fewer people in my life. And fewer people in my life means my world is shrinking. 

But what about the internet, you ask? Yes, what about the internet. Social media is supposed to expand our world, isn't it? There are more people out there to connect with, albeit virtually. 

Intimacy can be found online, but one has to work at it. And having hundreds of friends on Facebook does not mean a person has people solidly in her corner. Sure, there are billions of people online and sure I can find like minded individuals with whom I can build relationships. But just as in the physical world, this takes time and effort. And there are days that can go by, weeks even, where I don't log into Facebook or Twitter. There are days I don't even check email.

This feeling of disconnection, it's on me. The state of my relationships, that's on all parties involved. But no matter how many people I have in my life supporting me, only I can do something about feeling alone. Disconnected. Lonely. I can reach out when the days feel too long and too disconnected. I can get my ass out of my house and go somewhere with live people and strike up a conversation. I can text someone to see if they want to get together for a last minute coffee date. Or lunch. Or a walk. Or to see a movie together.

I can't expect people to magically know just how alone I feel at times. I need to actually tell people. I need to actually *gasp* ask for help. 

I am thankful for every person in my life who has been willing to live with my current inconsistent brand of friendship.

Gratitudes:

1. Brand new days, because they are kind of like do-overs.
2. Holy basil and rose petal tea. 
3. The internet.

Cabins, Audio Books, And Revelations

Gratitudes:

1. With autumn comes cooler weather and less humidity. For this, I am always grateful.
2. Velcro Dog has come to terms with the fact that I can't be consistent when I walk him. I have thanked him for his understanding. He has deigned to allow me to snuggle with him.
3. Psych is leaving US Netflix on October 1st. This is less a gratitude then it is a public service announcement. You're welcome.

Our anniversary was the end of last month. We try to go out of town on or near our anniversary. Usually it's to a cabin here in MN that is owned by Husband's family. And we usually only go up for a long weekend. Two years ago, right after I quit my day job, we started coming up for a week. It's amazing to be away from the city for a week and bask in the silky silence of  nature. This year was almost perfect.

Why wasn't it perfect? Basically because it rained more often then not. It felt rather soggy for the first three days of our vacation. Then the sun did shine. And it was glorious.

Oh glorious, sun filled day!

We spent time just staring at the lake. And listening to the sounds of nature around us. Birds. Breeze. Waves. Wind. Not a jet ski or speed boat in sight! I kinda want to go back  even though the temperatures will require a fire at night. Can anyone say S'Mores!

One of the things I really love to do at the cabin is listen to audio books. Husband knows this and has learned that if he doesn't want me to listen to one of my UF or romance novels, he had best not do anything to piss me off. I always have a romance queued up to one of the hotter sex scenes just so I can play it at a very loud volume just to torture him. I also have audio books that I know he might enjoy. I save these for vacations. Cuz I'm good like that.

For this trip I queued up Furiously Happy by Jenny Lawson. If you don't know who this amazing woman is, go ahead and take a moment to peruse her website, Twitter, or Facebook page. Go on, I'll wait.

So Jenny Lawson is a journalist who also lives with mental illness. And is brutally honest about what it's like to live her life. I don't have a diagnosed mental illness, though I do have situational depression. I do have chronic health conditions that attempt to turn my brain against me. I can relate to many of Jenny's stories. Sometimes so much I cry because, dammit, someone gets it!

I had read Furiously Happy when it first came out and I loved it. I wanted to fan girl Ms. Lawson and stalk her on Facebook , but I resisted. Instead I threw money at Jenny by purchasing her book for many people and myself. Including the audio book. Jenny has since thanked me in person for buying so many copies of her book and we are now friends. Oh, wait. That was a dream. And it wasn't Jenny Lawson, it was Nora Roberts. I really need to keep my fandoms straight!

Hubs was so thankful he didn't have to listen to sexy time scenes he actually paid attention to Furiously Happy. He thought Jenny lived a very colorful life and thought she and I would be dangerous if we knew each other. Dangerously cool! (Hubs wishes to let you know that no, he didn't think we would be dangerously cool. More like dangerous to his health. I countered that we would be freaky cool. Hubs agrees we would be freaky. He's less sanguine about cool. I love him despite his lack of vision).

We laughed. I cried. Hubs learned.

There were a few times when we were in the car and Jenny was regaling us with her tales of living her life, and I burst into tears. Jenny was talking about spoons and how life often needs to look different because we don't have the unlimited number of spoons able people seem to have. I was crying because every fucking word she said was brilliant. All those words illustrated what I had been attempting to share with my friends and family (and husband) for years. And he got it. Hubs listened with his whole self. And. He. Got. It.

So I cried some more in relief because trying to explain what it is to live in my body has been like attempting to dance the most beautiful and intricate of modern dances and hoping that my non performing arts husband would magically understand what I was saying without the context of meaning and movement. Jenny was able to be herself as she wrote that chapter, and even more herself as she recorded it for the audio book. And Hubs connected.

He's been asking me about my spoons ever since. Sometimes I want to hit him with a spoon, but I far prefer he ask than ignore or not understand the fact that I have limited spoons every day and that means I have to make the hard choices every minute of every day on how I am going to spend those spoons. Because they don't renew until the next day. And sometimes, not even then.

Thank you, Jenny "Dangerously Cool" Lawson. Thank you! And if you ever want to hang out and discuss the merits of taxidermy animal rodeos, I'm here for you! As long as I have the spoons.

In Which Self Doubt is Kicked in the Balls

 Gratitudes:

1. Train. Just because. 
2. My friend's daughters. They are true joy and I love being a part of their lives. 
3. Grape chia kombucha. Don't judge.

In addition to fibromyalgia (FM) and a recent diagnosis of chronic migraines, I also have insomnia. It's not chronic, even when it feels like it. My particular brand of insomnia is likely a co-morbid condition linked to the FM. I'm in pain, so I can't sleep. I don't sleep well, so I'm in pain. And so on. Most nights I can sleep. It's not the best sleep on the planet, but it's still sleep. Then there are nights like tonight. 

I went to bed with Hubs at the regular time. Played a little Angry Birds Pop, read a little, then turned on the classical music and turned out the lights. 

Hubs was snoring within five minutes. Me? Tossing. Turning. Closing my eyes. Doing relaxation breathing. Tossing some more. Then finally getting out of bed after ninety minutes of doing everything I could think of to will myself to sleep. 

I wish I was sleeping like the dog. 

We have these lovely reclining Mission style chairs in the great room. It's pretty much the only good furniture we own. When I can't sleep and I don't want to stare at any type of screen (phone, tablet, computer, tv. You get the idea), I go to my reclining chair. I may bring a book. Or my journal. Or I may just converse with, well, whatever it is I figure I need to converse with. God. The characters in my head. Myself. 

Tonight I had no desire to journal and I couldn't locate the fiction novel I just started reading, so I went with door number three and conversed with what felt like every self doubt I have ever had. Or rather, self doubt decided to talk to me.  Loudly. In Surround Sound.

Yesterday, since it's now tomorrow, Twitter served up something very timely. Almost prophetic.  

Jeri Ryan, of Star Trek: Voyager fame, posted the above on Twitter and Facebook as her Monday Mantra. I happened to see, thought, "Hells, yeah! Let's kick self doubt in the balls!" and went about the rest of my day. I didn't really think anything about self doubt, kicking it in said balls, or how to keep going.  Then midnight comes. And goes. And I'm tired yet awake and frustrated because AWAKE! And that background noise that is made up of accusations and self doubt goes through an audio filter and the tracks clean up until I can hear with the clarity of Dolby Surround Sound all the accusations and doubts and fears. And I'm tired and vulnerable and start to argue. Even though my arguments are nonsensical because TIRED! 

And then in frustration and resignation I turn on my phone to check I don't even know what. And there it is. Twitter. Open to Ms. Ryan's tweet. My respite from the crazy making. 

And I kick that self doubt in the balls. Really fucking hard. I stand my ground. I remind myself of all the things I have going for me. All the affirmations anyone has ever shared with me. I open the email thread from 2008 when I was laid off from a job I kinda enjoyed working with people I really loved and admired and reread all the positive things they told me about me. And I drank it in like a fine wine. And I kicked that self doubt where it would hurt the most. 

I am. 

That's it. I. Am. 

As long as I exist, there is the potential of doing better. Of overcoming. Of moving forward instead of backward. I. Am. 

The commentary, it's background noise again. I remain awake, and am now staring at a screen writing this post and then potentially writing more on my WIP. Or I may try for a couple of hours sleep before I head out to breakfast and super fun time shopping with a friend. 

Doesn't matter. I'll take being exhausted over being a puddle of self doubt and misery any day. 

Photo by Kristina Kuncevich

When Pain is All There Is

 Gratitudes:

1. Gluten free gourmet pizza. Yum!
2. Deadpool the movie. Yes, it's crass and violent and he's an anti-hero. But it's his utter humanity that I find compelling and I loved the movie. 
3. Medical care and holistic approaches to healing and healthy living.

Grey, it's how I feel today.

There isn't much to report today other than I think the stress of taxes (and my uncharacteristic lack of organization this year) along with poor posture has triggered a migraine. I've done the stretches and trigger points. I've taken the triptans. I've heated and iced. And I am still feeling miserable. And yet, I cannot sink into oblivion because of said taxes, the care and feeding of Velcro Dog, and the fact that I have basic living that requires my attention.

I feel almost as I did back when I was working and my health was shattering around me. Locked into something that has no end, and that I need to fight the pain and health issues so they don't get the best of me.

Fighting is what caused my health issues to finally do just that.

While I can't just give in to the pain, I have to learn to at least make friends with it. To cooperate with it. Some pain is beneficial. It signals that I've spent too much time in one position or doing something that, if continued, will trigger a flare or migraine event. If I listen to the pain in my body, I can do something to ease back, change direction, and circumvent deeper pain.

Sometimes all my coping strategies aren't enough and the pain threatens to overtake me. I want to tense up. I want to wail and curse and sink into the despair that slithers along with the pain. If I do that, I will end up believing there is no hope of respite. That all I will ever know is pain. And longing. And life will pass me by.

So I need to listen to the pain. Acknowledge it. Work through my strategies. Practice self-care.  Call a friend and plan some social time. Go for a slow walk. Remind myself that this too shall pass, even if in the moment it feels like pain is all there is. Because that's a lie. There is more to life, more to me than pain. Even if right now pain seems to rule everything.  

It's All About The Spoons

 Gratitudes:

1. Laundry is done! For this week. Trust me, this is a major milestone as I didn't need Hubs' help with any of it. Even if it took two days to accomplish.
2. Mator, our mutant cherry tomato plant, continues to thrive. He lives in the garage at night and comes out to drink in the sun and water during the day. We may get up to 50 more cherry tomatoes off him before he gives in to the inevitable. 
3. I was up and doing things at 7:30 am. This may not sound like much, but the look Hubs gave me indicated he was witnessing a minor miracle.

Let's keep up with the sharing, shall we. Apparently, I'm full of the shares this week. And it's only Wednesday. 

courtesy of Liz West via Flickr  CC License 2.0

Have you heard of spoon theory? No? Well, aren't you in for a treat. Pull up a chair, sit back, relax, and let me, as the kids say, drop some knowledge. 

Spoon theory was developed by Christine Miserandino during a conversation with a friend in which she used spoons as an object lesson on what it's like to live with a chronic health issue. She grabbed spoons from near by tables, handed them to her friend, and told her friend she now had a chronic health condition, in this case Lupus. 

I liken spoons to units of energy, be it mental, emotional or physical. When a person is healthy, they have an seeming endless supply of spoons. A healthy person doesn't have to decide just how they are going to spend spoons on any given day. Little juggling is required. And the next day, poof, new spoons, so yay! 

A person with a chronic health condition gets a finite number of spoons on any given day. The number of spoons one has may also vary daily. Today I may have twenty spoons but tomorrow I may only have five. I can start to predict how many spoons I'll have to spend, but I could easily be wrong. Since I only have a finite number of spoons, I have to be honest with myself and make hard choices. My spoons yesterday looked like this: 

Yesterday was a 14 spoon day. This is the average of late. 

• Task: shower and shave; Spoons: 1
• doing my hair and makeup would have been an additional spoon. Thankfully, my hair looked fine and as much as I wanted to look polished, I forwent the make as well
• Task: breakfast; Spoons: 1
• it's amazing how difficult a healthy paleo/GF breakfast can be to make when the pain is high. I eat this way because food is medicine and when I eat 'regular' food I feel even crappier.
• Task: take dog to vet; Spoons: 2
• Velcro Dog is skittish and it takes a lot of energy to play games with him at the vet in order to keep his calm. 
• Driving can take spoons. Yes, the simple act of driving can exhaust me some days.
• Task: lunch; Spoons: 1
• Soup, 1/2 sandwich, tea, and some snuggles with Velcro Dog.
• Task: dog walk; Spoons: 2
• Half my spoons were spent by noon, and there were more things on my list yet to attempt to accomplish. Beyond just living, that is.
• Task: laundry; Spoons: 2
• Climbing up and down the stairs three or four times to change loads along with folding and putting clothes away can be too much. These two spoons were just getting two loads washed and dried and in the basket. I skipped folding and putting away, knowing I could do that today. This is part of the negotiations I have with myself.
• Task: Dinner; Spoons: 2
• I was in charge of barbequed brats, homemade roasted potato wedges, and salad. It almost broke me. If I'm really honest, this was closer to three spoons but I don't count the resting I did during the actual eating of dinner. Yes, the act of eating can be a spoon unto itself. 
• Task: Clean up/load dishwasher; Spoons: 0
• I had only a few spoons left so asked Hubs if he could take care of the clean up. It was that or leave everything for today. No one enjoys scrubbing day old pots. No one. 
• Task: Mental breakdown; Spoons: 2
• It had been a stressful day and I was at the end of my reserves. I felt guilty and inadequate and useless. It is this type of thinking, along with the constant pain, that can have me sink low into a depressive episode, unless I am able to take the time to deal with the self talk. Which, ironically, also takes spoons. I tend to hold some spoons back just in case. Can you blame me? 
• Task: Bedtime routine; Spoons: 1
• Last night my routine was letting the dog out, turning the dishwasher on, brushing my teeth and falling into bed. I read a bit because my brain wouldn't turn off. If I don't fall asleep within 45 minutes of climbing into bed I use an extra spoon or two trying different means of dealing with insomnia
• End of day tally: 14 Spoons Used

I used all of my spoons and I had many things I didn't accomplish. Things like paying bills, cleaning the office, dry mopping the wood floors, folding and putting laundry away, going to the library to return/pick up books, write, clean off the dining table, vacuum screens/windows in preparation for winter. My house feels like a complete pit. There is dust everywhere. Piles of papers adorn my office. Books are piled rather than put away on shelves where they should go because I haven't had the energy to go through the shelves to make room by doing my annual purge/organize. 

Some days I have more spoons, or fewer tasks that require a lot of spoons. Some days the weather sucks and my body pays the price. Some days all the stars align and I feel healthy and whole. Those days I may actually put on makeup and feel pretty. Or I may spend an hour going through one of the ominous piles of shit paper that needs to be organized or tossed. I may actually get bills paid and the cheque book balanced. Or I may say to hell with it and go out for lunch with a friend. Or go see a movie in the evening with Hubs. 

I have to learn to not feel guilty when I go to bed and the kitchen hasn't been cleaned. Or when the laundry has to wait for Hubs to help. Or when I need to ask Hubs to vacuum because I just don't have it in me. It's a lot of give and take. This is why I'm not currently working. Why I question when I'll ever be a functioning member of society. And why I kick myself in the ass for that last thought because even though I'm not working and I can't keep up with my life, I am still a living, breathing member of society. I have to have different standards. Different expectations. So does my husband. We both forget this. It's amazing how often we both forget this. 

To thrive I need to learn to slow down. And not in the begrudging manner I've done so thus far. Life for me is going to always be full of choices and give and take. I hate having a house that feels like a pit, but I can only do so much. And it's not really a pit. It just feels like it to me because I have specific standards of how I want my home to be. I hate feeling left out when I have to say no to friends, when I can't go to church because I really need rest more. I hate not working. I hate that some days I don't have the energy to even be online and feel like I'm part of a community that doesn't require me to get dressed and leave my house. I hate that there are days I feel like a hermit because I haven't left my house. 

What this has taught me is that living with a chronic health condition is like having to become a master strategist. Every day I have to measure my pain levels, my energy levels, the weather, and I need to look at the tasks that I want or need to accomplish. Then I need to be planful and mindful as I map out my day. I also need to be flexible. A flare can start in the middle of the day. Weather can change in an instant. A task can take longer or be more difficult than initially estimated. Because of this I need to determine what is critical and what isn't. And I need to be able to let go of the non-critical items because they may never make it to the top of my list. Which means attempting to be objective about my very subjective life.

I also have to think about my state of mind in any given moment. State of mind can impact my spoons drastically. Some days I just need to stay in my pyjamas, turn on some Marvel movies, and snuggle Velcro Dog while I wait for the gloom to part. It isn't about having a mental health day. It's about survival. 

Thanks for listening to me ramble. It was good to get this out. I miss a life where I don't have to measure out spoons. This is the life I have right now. I'm trying to live it the best way I can. 

In Which We Say Buh Bye Pity Party

Gratitudes:

1. The rain brought with it cooler, less humid weather. This week is supposed to be cooler than the last few. I'm glad. Fibro and heat/humidity don't mix.
2. I figured out what was draining the battery on my phone! Thank goodness it was an app I don't use so deleting it was not a difficult decision.
3. Inspiration. I'm writing again. In fits and starts, but I'm writing. I never realize how much I love it until I take a long break.

It's cloudy and grey out and I'm not complaining! If it were winter, I would be crawling the walls due to weeks upon weeks of grey, cold weather. In the summer, a break from the heat is more than welcome. The temperature dropped with the rain and the dog and I have spent our day tromping in and out of the house. He looks at me like I'm nuts, but once he's outside, he loves running in the wet grass. And barking at the squirrels that take up residence in the walnut trees. 

I don't like to complain a lot, but I hurt. I have lived in a constant state of flare - recovery - flare for the last month and a half and I'm tired of it. Even now I am climbing out of a flare. Everything takes longer. Some basic things I should be able to accomplish I just can't. Last week I was thrilled that I could even read a book! So I overdid things and read three books. Romantic fiction. All delightful in their own way. The husband asked me if I needed glasses. This could be part of the problem. So I have booked an appointment for next month to get my eyes checked. And I have booked an appointment for him, as well. He hasn't had his eyes checked since he got glasses seven years ago. Who does that? My husband, that's who.

I'm in pain. My brain is fogged over. I think I missed paying a bill last month. I feel like I'm lazy, but I know I'm not. I'm trying to do the best I can within the limits my health creates. Oh, and I found out that if I don't have an autoimmune disease, I have all the markers for one. Great. Just what I need. One. More. Thing. I guess that taking a few months off to heal and recover before getting back to the workforce is off the table. 

/pity party

Instead of focusing on all that is wrong, I am trying to be mindful and focus on the here and now. And to celebrate what I can do. Yesterday I couldn't have done the library if my life depended on it. Today I was able to get two loads done. YES! Last week I wasn't able to take the dog for walks every day. This week we are two for two. FIST PUMP! This weekend I was unable to run errands by myself due to vertigo. Today I got gas and dropped some items off at the post office. By myself. TOUCHDOWN DANCE! 

I may not be where I was a few years ago, or even last year since things appear to have gotten worse. But I'm alive and I have a dog and a husband who love me, a house that is relatively easy to manage, and friends who make me smile. All in all, when I think about things, I have a good life. So shove over, pity party, there's a new sheriff in town! 

Freakin' Awesome

 Gratitudes:

1. A nicely padded emergency fund that will keep the wolves from the door.
2. Wonderful new-to-me authors who are as friendly as their books are entertaining.
3. The ever unconditional adoration of Velcro Dog, who makes sure I get out of bed in the mornings and get moving, especially on cold, snuggle under the comforter for just a little longer mornings. 

The last three months have been...interesting. Full of ups and downs, more bad days than good, and impatience on my part. And sometimes my husband's part. I've had to learn my new limits, and the cost of pushing past them. Sometimes you have to push past a limit in order to grow. It seems counter intuitive to healing but it's true. And often painful in the process. I've become very familiar with pain. 

In addition to learning to live within and ignore my limits in turn, I have caught up on some of my reading. Give me a moment to laugh hysterically. There is no way on God's green earth I will ever catch up with my ever increasing to-be-read (TBR) piles. Yes, piles. There are the books lurking by the bed, displayed on bookshelves, and *cough* hiding on my ereader/computer. These consist of various genres of fiction and non-fiction. I don't discriminate. 

I don't recall each and every book I've read or reread lately, but a few stand out:

• Heroes are My Weakness by Susan Elizabeth Phillips
• How God Changes Your Brain by Andrew Newberg M.D., and Mark Robert Waldman
• A reread of The Fiery Cross and A Breath of Snow and Ashes by Diana Gabaldon
• Festive in Death by J.D. Robb
• The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin

Each of these book either challenged me, entertained me, or both. Or I *cough* read them more than once. Because they were that good. Honest! 

Another bright light in the last three months is Guardians of the Galaxy, both the movie and the soundtrack. Such. A. Great. Movie! And the soundtrack rocks as well. I was able to pick up Awesome Mix Vol. 1 and the actual movie score in a two disk offering. When I need some inspiration, or just need to dance around the house (much to Velcro Dog's chagrin), Awesome Mix Vol. 1 does the trick. I have the DVD on my Christmas wishlist. Which is a good thing cuz a day doesn't go by when I don't want to head back to the theater to watch the movie again. And again. 

I also did a little impulse shopping in the fandom department and purchased this t-shirt from Teespring. It is freaking awesome! 

It's the simple things, apparently. And that's alright by me. 

Recovery and Patience

 Gratitudes:

1. After almost a week and a half with a horrible GI virus/bug of some sort, I'm finally beginning to feel like myself
2. Streaming TV and movies - when you don't have it in you to concentrate on reading and can't go anywhere, streaming media is a lifesaver
3. Velcro Dog, who snuggles all the blues away

Since returning from vacation I've been a hot mess. The husband wins an award for patience and caring during this time. He made sure I had what I needed to feel comfortable while he was at work, took care of the laundry, walked the dog twice a day, cooked for himself (I've been on a rice and clear liquid diet regimen, so not fun or tasty!), and did some light cleaning. 

This weekend I thought I was getting better so while he was visiting his sister and family, I stayed home and started to deep clean the kitchen. Mistake! I think I set myself back a couple of days just because I was tired of looking at my mess of a kitchen and because I was tired of needing to lay around all day. I also had brunch with a friend and maybe the food choices I made weren't the best for my ailing GI tract. 

I did learn something about myself over the past week. While I am an introvert, there comes a point in time where I need human interaction or I feel like I'm going to go crazy. Also, I can only handle so much down time before I start to itch with the need to do something. 

However, I also learned that pacing and timing are as important in life as they are in storytelling. Instead of trying to deep clean the kitchen in one day, I could have broken the surfaces into zones and tackled one zone over the course of a day. Instead of eating like I was healthy, I could have had a few bland sides and some tea and enjoyed the conversation and companionship. The food I really wanted to eat would be there for a future date. Instead of acting as though I was in tip top condition, I could have given myself the space and time I still required to heal AND still have been able to do some light cleaning and spend time with a friend. 

I'm not very patient with myself or with being in process. I'm going to have quite a bit of time in the near future to practice this patience. So much fun. 

When It's Difficult

Gratitudes:

1. Sunshine even on the coldest of days.
2. Good friends who let me vent and gently help me to become a better version of myself
3. Bras that fit really, really well.

My life is consumed with the day job right now. I find myself stretched in all things work/life balance, in knowledge, and in skills. I can't say I'm very comfortable right now and I'm not quite sure how I landed in this place.

I am a generalist. I'm good at a lot of things but not spectacular at many. This has served me well in that I seem to have good job security. And honestly, I enjoy learning new things. I think I need a challenge in order to maintain engagement at my place of business. The down side to being a generalist is that I get pulled into tasks and projects that don't interest me even though I have shown some proficiency with them. Or I am handed projects that,  on the surface,  look like projects I have successfully tackled, but upon closer inspection are different enough that I find myself at a loss. And feeling slow and dumb.

This is where I am right now, working a project that is similar to work I have done in the past, and done well but took me nearly forever to figure out AND this project contains elements that I am unfamiliar with or, quite frankly, suck at.

When I'm not good at something, it messes with my head. I second guess every decision I make, every action. So I'm doing something that's very difficult for me. I'm waving the white flag and asking for help and guidance because deadlines will not otherwise be met. And I may just dissolve into a pile of goo if I don't get some sort of assistance.

Waving the white flag is hard for me. I don't like to admit defeat. And I really don't like it when skills allude me. I'm a smart girl. Why is this so hard? At least I'm not waiting until I get stress induced migraines and fibro flare ups and develop an ulcer before I ask for help this time. Maybe I have grown. Maybe I've actually learned the value of asking for help. I do know I've learned my health can't sustain this amount of stress for very long. So, no matter the reason for my finally raising the white flag, I'm just glad I am.

It's good to know I can still learn and adapt. :)

Mini PSA - Sleep

Gratitudes:

1. Crisp autumnal air redolent with wood smoke, evergreens, and the sharp tang of frost
2. Velcro Dog's unwavering joy as we adventure to the dog park every day - it's motivating
3. A good night's sleep

You have no idea just how wonderful a night of uninterrupted sleep is until you don't have it anymore. I didn't have any idea how wonderful it was until I was finally able to go an entire night without waking up in pain or walking up just because my body decided I had enough of the zzz's to last me a while.

Until recently, I don't think I had a full night of restorative sleep in almost 20 years. What changed? I started seeing a neurologist for my fibromyalgia and thank God she has no fear in prescribing medication to help her patients manage their pain issues. There's a chicken vs. egg thing that goes on with any chronic pain issue. When you hurt, you don't get restorative sleep. When you don't get restorative sleep, you hurt. I don't know what causes my pain and I right now I don't care. I have medication that helps me manage my pain at night which helps me to sleep.  I am a firm believer in  better living through chemistry.

Last night my chemical cocktail didn't do it's job and I lay awake until almost 4:00 am. I think I got three and half hours of sleep, none of which could be termed restorative. I could have stayed home and tried to sleep off and on during the day but that would likely through my sleep schedule off. Besides, work is kind of crazy and I would be worrying all day that I am getting further behind.

Sleep, it's a beautiful thing. If you are one of the lucky ones who manages to get enough restorative sleep every night, be grateful because you are indeed blessed. If you are one of the many people who has sleep issues, find a doctor who is willing to work with you to figure out what can be done to help you. Don't live with a chronic lack of restorative sleep if you don't have to!

A Chemistry Lesson

Gratitudes:

1. Homemade pumpkin spice granola bars (thank you, Jenny!)
2. Books I have preordered and forgotten about that magically appear on my nook or at my doorstep
3. Better living through chemistry

I don't know what I did to myself on Monday, but at one point in the afternoon I got up out of my chair and almost fell over from the pain spiking up and down my lower back. I hobbled through the rest of the afternoon thanks to ibuprofen and turmeric - both known anti-inflammatory agents. I walked Velcro Dog hoping that moving would alleviate some of the pain, which it did. For about an hour. During which I made dinner. And about died climbing the stairs to the loft where we were going to eat.

I stretched. I massaged. I iced. I heated. And finally with the help of a muscle relaxant and some good pain meds, I slept.

Yesterday I called my doctor who told me that aside from PT, I was doing all the right things. Great, a lot of help there. Since moving had helped a little, I went to my Pilates class and told my instructor where the pain was and what it felt like. Sadly, it was not due to sex injury, as she inquired. Good thing I don't embarrass about that type of thing.

During class we went through stretching, many deliberate stretches that helped to ease the muscles that support the SI joint. Oh, did that feel better! I was without pain for several hours. We also looked at how I sit, since I sit for much of the day. Buttocks and core were engaged and will be engaged while I sit as the culprit for the pain may be my loose jointedness and my bodies propensity to sink into my joints instead of using the muscles to support them.

I have some of the exercises I can do at home as they involve laying down. Sadly, I can't do them at work. I may head home for lunches so I can do some stretching. I live within 10 minutes from work so I'm okay with that. I am also going to buy this so I can do some of the deeper stretches at home. It's the same roller my Pilates instructor uses and the stretches are amazing!

The company that sells this also sells other Pilates equipment that I would love to have at home so I can reap the benefits of Pilates between classes. We'll start with the roller.

Even though the stretching helped me to feel much better, the star of the show was the muscle relaxants and the anti-inflammatory. They are my constant friends right now. This pain will heal and I will get better, but for now, I'm embracing better living through chemistry...and Pilates.

Champagne and Pilates

 Gratitudes:

1. Husband is sick and I haven't caught his crud...yet. Fingers crossed that I remain healthy.
2. The hot, hot weather, aka Satan's armpit, appears to be over for the season. Here's to a gentle autumn, which is my favorite season. :) 
3. My Pilates instructor, Jenny.

I started to take Pilates when I was in college. It was all mat work, which is hard, people! But I gained a lot of lean muscle mass and had fun. About a year and half ago I found a Pilates studio near where I live and work and took about a year of private lessons. I started to move better, carry myself taller and feel an overall sense of well being I haven't felt in years. I haven't been a slug all that time, but due to increased pain due to fibromyalgia, I haven't been able to do the kinds of workouts I used to be able to do. And walking, while hugely beneficial to body, mind, and spirit wasn't helping with rebuilding lost lean muscle mass.

I now take a group class with private check in sessions about once every six to eight weeks. I don't ever want to quit! In fact, if we could afford it I would up my sessions so I was at the studio three times a week. It's been amazing for my health and well being and I don't see myself ever stopping.

One of the great Pilate elders passed away in August. Romana Kryzanowska was a protege of Joseph Pilates and taught the classical Pilates method for years after Joseph passed on. If Joseph is the father of Pilates, I think Romana was the earth mother. Almost every form of Pilates taught today has been influenced by Romana. One of the things that she is best known for, aside from Pilates,  was her zest for life. She is known for her Friday glass of champagne, not to settle into the weekend, but to celebrate the week well lived and the joy of friendship.

Jenny embodies this zest for life. She is joyful when she instructs and loves the whole person, not just the physical. For her, it is the whole person who comes to her studio and the whole person who she ministers to. Just this last week while I was with her for my private session, she told me about Romana and pulled out a bottle of champagne. We toasted life, Romana and a week well lived. And I left pondering this simple thought: what if instead of thanking God that it's Friday and the week is finally over, we thanked God that it was Friday because the week was lived?

Thank you, Romana, for being an inspiration to many. And thank you, Jenny for being an inspiration for me.

Tape Me Up, Tape Me Down

And first, the gratitudes:

1. I have actually managed to blog three days in a row. This calls for a fist pump!
2. Hubby is roasting corn on the barbecue. Mmm, roasted corn on the cob!
3. My nook tablet still has the extended warranty so even though the battery is failing, I get a replacement nook for free! 

I had physical therapy this morning and my PT decided that the upper trapezius muscles were overworked and over compensating for weakness in my neck and my lower traps. So, after ultrasound and muscle manipulation, she put four strips of Kinisio tape on my back. It's...strange. I didn't get the neon colors that so many Olympic athletes were sporting in London last summer. It's beige, which makes me wonder if it's a knock off brand.

Anyway, the tape is supposed to help my upper traps relax and remind my lower traps to engage. So far all I have is a lot of pain, likely because I'm more conscious of this muscle group and my posture and am using these muscles in ways I likely haven't in a long time. 

I did some research and there's not a lot of scientific data that this tape actually does anything beyond a placebo effect. I say if it eventually helps my upper traps relax so my upper shoulders don't feel like concrete anymore than who cares if it's from a placebo or some sort of revolutionary treatment. 

The things we do in the name of self care. Hey, I could look like this! The tape, people. There's no way I want to look that ripped.